[	mood	|	theres been no time for sleep	]
[	music	|	Pieces - Sum 41	]

              I guess this weekend has been ok. I went to Walkersville's homecomming yesterday. It was pretty fun. It was nice to see people that i grew up with. Man everyone has changed so much. Afterwards went to Beef's had some. Then headed to Maddy's for some more fun. Lol. It was wild. But yea. Came home today and was kinda sad. I miss that place like crazy. It's so different then up here. Not as much damn drama.

                                 Talkin about drama things between me and whitney just get worse everyday. She's got a new boyfriend named Staci. He's alright i guess but she wants to be with him ALL the time. Never wants to do anything else. She's been ditched amber and I. She uses Amber as a fuckin taxi service. And to top it all off she's turnin into a huge druggie. She's changed alot. Isnt who she used to be. She's forgeotten who was there for her before Staci. I feel really bad for Amber cuz she's takin it pretty hard. My hearts been broken already, dont think i can feel anymore. But Amber still has feeling. And i can see how its hard to lose a good friend. But u have to lose people who bring u down. Hard to do but u have to do it. I dunno things r changin pretty fast. Within a couple dayz i have went from bein high on life to wakin up every morning and not wantin to face the world. Im sick of everyday turnin out bad. 

                                      Shit like this makes me question God. I believe in heaven and hell but as for God im not sure. I mean i kno he does things for a reason but I think ive hurt enough. I can't take it anymore really. I have one good day every couple weeks. I jus think ive done my time. Isnt he susposed to make things better. I kno people have struggle in life and im not sayin my life is horrible. But alot of my teenage years have been spent in pain. Im so used to bad things happenin ive given up hope on things gettin better. 

                             Hm saw my crush tonite. We had some good talks when we could........ Man I want him so bad. I would behave for him. He's the type of person that gives me a reason to better myself. Bein with him would give me motive to get up in the morning and spend time actually makin myself look good. He's not the type of guy id ever imagine me likin. He's so different. But hes not low like the other guys. He's got direction he knos want he wants and he gets it. He's smart and actually wants to be somebody in life. Yea he gets to b a little weird sometimes but everyone's got a flaw. I could trust him too. He doesnt seem like a dog and he'd be honest with me. I wish i could tell him how i felt but i dont want him to think im obssessed and stop talkin to me. But i jus want a chance to prove to him that i could make him happy. I dunno. But if friends is all i can have with him, then ill take it. I get butterflies in my stomach when we talk sometimes, havnt been like that since Shaun.

                           Tommorow is Halloween and it should be interesting. Im hangin out with Amber and Trey, possibly Cam and mayb Tommy. Got alot of people to fit in. Too busy sometimes. But im most deffinately goin trick-or-treatin. Free Candy and i will so do it. I'm gonna b a playboy bunny. Gonna freeze but oh well. Amber's prolly spendin the nite and we may go to a party. Havn't decided yet. Well im gonna go and get some sleep. Been runnin on like none all week.

[	mood	|	Having a Bad Day	]
[	music	|	Who I Am Hates Who Ive Been - Relient K	]

         I wake up everyday feeling great. But i alwayz wake up knowin that im alone. I swear Shaun cursed me. I just dont kno wut's wrong with me. I kno im 15 but by this time in everyone's life they have had a relationship a good one. Shaun and i's just plain sucked I might as well just face that. We couldn't stay with each other. But when we weren't together we were crazy about each other. But he cheated on me all the time. I dunno wut's wrong with me. I can't seem to keep a relationship. I have tried but i jus wasnt into them enough. And the guys that i actually like and think i may have something with i can't get. I mean let's take now as an example. i like this guy alot. Were friends and i guess we mess around but he doesn't want a relationship. I mean i could treat him so well, but i dont have the chance to prove it. I guess i have to respect his decision cuz it's his life, but sometimes i wonder if im just a booty call. I mean am i  anything else. Cam tells me all the time how im a great chic n when this guy see's how great i am he's gonna want me. But then how can i believe Cam when he told me he really wanted to be with me, then he fucks lindsey. Just my luck right. And i dont want it to seem like im whinning or cryin about it but this hurts. Cuz im happy most of the time, but i wish i had someone to share it with. I mean this guy that i like, I swear to god i could treat him so well. But i dont have the chance too.

            And sometimes as stupid as it sounds i miss shaun. Ill read the notes and listen to that cd. And times jus come back. The night i ran away and he cried and told me he loved me and i actually thought he meant it. The times i snuck out and we would jus hang out and talk. When i came home from brooklane and all he could do was hold me. Were still friends but he can't deny he doesnt still think about me. I wana kno wut i did to screw that up. Wut the hell was so wrong with me. And wuts still wrong with me. Y am i not able to get something else.  If that person that I like is readin this and actually kno im talkin about u. I could treat u soo well jus give me chance.  Today has really jus sucked for me. I'm goin to homecomming at walkersville tomorrow so hopefully ill feel better before that. Well im gettin outta here now. Amber and trey r coming over to hang out. TTYL

[	mood	|	sick but ina good mood	]
[	music	|	Razorblade Kiss - H.I.M	]

                                               I keep swearin that im gonna update this thing, but it's been about 3 months since ive actually got around to doing it. I guess u could say iv been busy or jus to lazy to get on the internet. Lol. Yea but man time flies. My summer was like gone in a blink of an eye. I guess it was alright. Didnt party as much as i wanted to and really didnt accomplish wut i wanted to. I seriously thought that by the end of the summer i would have shaun back. Still no shaun. Lol. But suprisingly i am happy. Yes that is true i finally let him go. I never really thought i could do it. He was like my everything. I honestly didn't see life without him. Then one day i just got fed up and let it go. And i feel better than i have in months.

                    No doubt were still friends but ya kno how it goes. Anywayz i guess i spent the rest of my summer bein single, tryin to have some fun. Lol. I had a few good nights lol, skitzo and cam.  Hahaha come on u all kno how i do. I got a job at Red Horse. Its pays good i like it. Ya kno. And my boss's son um let's jus say he's like really hott lol. But Tommy if ur readin this ur still only an 8. But i guess u can say were "hangin out", haha im not gonna put details on the inetrnet. But he's cool, everyone can't believe i like him cuz i guess he's not the type of guy i usually like. Two words - Abercrombie and Fitch....... But i needed a change and hes got a good personality and listens to good music. So i cant' complain.

                                So i guess ive gotten life together now. I can truly say that i am happy. Yea i have my moments where i hate myself but don't we all. And i think letting go of shaun helped alot. I let go of the pain and the anger that he brought. Ive been hangin out with this chic Amber alot lately. She's fuckin cool dude. We have some good times. I go to north high now unfortunately. I hate it. To all my rebels at south- I LOVE U!!!!!!!! I'm especially gonna miss my lacrosse team. Those r my bitches man. Oh well i guess life goes on. I'm tryin to get into tech next year and get the hell outta that shit hole of a school called north. Hahaha never in my life have i met people that r so stuck up. Hmmm yea. I went to south's homecomming couple weeks ago. It was fun. It was nice to see everyone. I'm goin to walkersville's this weekend and im so excited for it. I havn't seen people down there since last christmas. But i still love them too lol. Poor Beef  lost to Alden Tuck for Homecomming Prince. Jessica Golub won which im excited about. Kinda glad it wasnt Caitlin Quicksell. I aint got nothin against her but im sick of seein her and Abbey Luke get so much attention. Hmmm anywayz. Halloween is this monday. Amber and i r gonna party, hopefully tommy comes with us. I dunno we'll have to wait and see.  Well im out for the evening.